In a few hours I will be under the knife again. This time to have the expanders removed and implants put it. A lot of the women who have gone through this already say that it is a huge relief to have the expanders gone (I can believe that) and that the recovery is much easier than after the mastectomy (for sure.) However, I have been feeling a little down about it all lately. I think mostly due to being hard on myself for losing my fitness. I have not been exercising and I have been eating whatever I feel like eating. Especially when I am not exercising I crave sugar and fat and flour. You know that wonderful combination!? And the more sugar, fat and flour I consume, the more I want. I don't like this, but have not been willing to do much about it lately, thus, I feel out of shape and unhealthy. It is a self perpetuating cycle of course.
I had gotten to a point in my recovery from the mastectomy where I was able to start exercising again. I went back to yoga and a low key level of strength and cardio. Then life threw me some curve balls. The girls and I all rotated illnesses, a few times. When the girls are sick, the rest of my life gets put on hold. We also took a family trip to San Francisco and Seattle. And we had a birthday party for Olivia. And my Mom returned to her own life for a while (how dare she!?) (I love you Mom!!!).
I have much to be grateful for and generally try to keep it all in perspective. That being said, I have had to fight off some self pity and self loathing lately. Not nice!
So I have felt disheartened about being laid up again after finally feeling like my upper body strength and mobility was returning to me. I have not liked myself for making matters worse by my unhealthy eating. I have great plans for myself always (HA!!!!!) and am resisting the urge to set grandiose goals for right after this surgery.
I will need to rest. I will need to eat. A lot of rest. A lot of food. I will try to choose healthy, high protein food. One meal / snack at a time.
Even while wrestling with myself, or especially while wrestling, I remind myself over and over that I am so very fortunate to have had the choice. I have chosen to pre-vive my high risks for cancer. I have chosen to take preventive measures when many, many others never had the chance to make this choice for themselves.
