In a few hours I will be under the knife again. This time to have the expanders removed and implants put it. A lot of the women who have gone through this already say that it is a huge relief to have the expanders gone (I can believe that) and that the recovery is much easier than after the mastectomy (for sure.) However, I have been feeling a little down about it all lately. I think mostly due to being hard on myself for losing my fitness. I have not been exercising and I have been eating whatever I feel like eating. Especially when I am not exercising I crave sugar and fat and flour. You know that wonderful combination!? And the more sugar, fat and flour I consume, the more I want. I don't like this, but have not been willing to do much about it lately, thus, I feel out of shape and unhealthy. It is a self perpetuating cycle of course.
I had gotten to a point in my recovery from the mastectomy where I was able to start exercising again. I went back to yoga and a low key level of strength and cardio. Then life threw me some curve balls. The girls and I all rotated illnesses, a few times. When the girls are sick, the rest of my life gets put on hold. We also took a family trip to San Francisco and Seattle. And we had a birthday party for Olivia. And my Mom returned to her own life for a while (how dare she!?) (I love you Mom!!!).
I have much to be grateful for and generally try to keep it all in perspective. That being said, I have had to fight off some self pity and self loathing lately. Not nice!
So I have felt disheartened about being laid up again after finally feeling like my upper body strength and mobility was returning to me. I have not liked myself for making matters worse by my unhealthy eating. I have great plans for myself always (HA!!!!!) and am resisting the urge to set grandiose goals for right after this surgery.
I will need to rest. I will need to eat. A lot of rest. A lot of food. I will try to choose healthy, high protein food. One meal / snack at a time.
Even while wrestling with myself, or especially while wrestling, I remind myself over and over that I am so very fortunate to have had the choice. I have chosen to pre-vive my high risks for cancer. I have chosen to take preventive measures when many, many others never had the chance to make this choice for themselves.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
No-Good-Blogger
I am not a very good blogger! Actually, I think its a good sign that I have not been posting much lately. I have been busy getting back to my life.
On February 28th I had my final fill in my expanders. My plastic surgeon gave me a little fill when she first put the expanders in (after the breast surgeon did my mastectomies), and then a month later I had a fill, and then two weeks after that was my final fill. I feel like I got off easy. I know some women who have to have many more fills than that and go to twice the ccs in volume. We are at a happy place, my expanders and I. Maybe happy is not the truth. We are co-existing peacefully. I think the volume is right for me. The expanders, though, are not lovely. They are wonky! This one sticks out here; that one juts up there. I am just as asymmetrical as I was pre-op, but in a different and wacky way. Must be why my fellow PBMers (aka Bosom Buddies, BRCA+ sisters), call them "Frankenboobs." Beyond their wonkiness, they are just plain uncomfortable. It feels as if I have a very bulky and tight underwire bra on, sub-dermally. To myself I have been calling them my prostheses. I have prosthetic breasts. They are not fake as in "she has fake boobs," but they are fake, and they do not feel like they are really a part of me. I am sure it doesn't help that I have no sensation in the skin and nipples and that I bump into things and feel it somewhere else, like my chest underneath the expanders, or in my armpit. I am reassured though, by the women who have gone before me, that once the expanders are out and the implants are in, called "The Exchange," everything feels much better.
Trying to be objective, I can say that each week my chest feels better than the week before. I had no pain during the expansion fills, even though a needle was pushed straight through my skin and muscle into the expander below. I felt sore for a couple days after each fill and limited myself from carrying anything over about ten pounds. Ibuprofen helped on those days.
So getting back to my life since my last post has been like this:
my daughters, my mother and I took turns with a stomach flu!!
I started driving again,
I often take one or the other daughter to school, sometimes both,
I started sleeping with them again (not exactly sure how that one happened!),
I work on some art a couple times a week,
I have eased back into yoga (thank-God-thank-God),
I have exercised a few times and hope to establish a low key practice again (I should say low-impact),
I saw my gynecological oncologist for my yearly exam and CA125 blood test,
I saw my breast surgeon, she said she liked how everything looked, took pictures and said I don't have to see her again for six months and then only once a year thereafter,
I am planning my older daughter's 5th birthday,
and I turned 39.
A few days ago I caught a nasty cold and have spent yesterday and today at home by myself. Resting, drinking lots of fluids, and watching television and reading. I am a little nervous about a pink area on one breast. It looks slightly inflamed. I outlined it in green extra-fine sharpie and took a picture so I can track it for a couple days. My plastic surgeon said due to the foreign objects in there, my chest is more vulnerable to infection when the rest of me picks something up. Also, I have been having strange pains in my chest that are different from what I have felt before. I have been much more active lately, so the pains might just be from that. I worry that I over did it with the exercise, so I am getting as much rest in as I can. And, of course, trying not to obsess about it.
Because of the online communities I am a part of, I very frequently hear of yet another young woman diagnosed with breast cancer. Some with the BRCA mutation, some without. I am humbled by my circumstances and so grateful to have been able to make the choices I have made to reduce my risk of cancer.
On February 28th I had my final fill in my expanders. My plastic surgeon gave me a little fill when she first put the expanders in (after the breast surgeon did my mastectomies), and then a month later I had a fill, and then two weeks after that was my final fill. I feel like I got off easy. I know some women who have to have many more fills than that and go to twice the ccs in volume. We are at a happy place, my expanders and I. Maybe happy is not the truth. We are co-existing peacefully. I think the volume is right for me. The expanders, though, are not lovely. They are wonky! This one sticks out here; that one juts up there. I am just as asymmetrical as I was pre-op, but in a different and wacky way. Must be why my fellow PBMers (aka Bosom Buddies, BRCA+ sisters), call them "Frankenboobs." Beyond their wonkiness, they are just plain uncomfortable. It feels as if I have a very bulky and tight underwire bra on, sub-dermally. To myself I have been calling them my prostheses. I have prosthetic breasts. They are not fake as in "she has fake boobs," but they are fake, and they do not feel like they are really a part of me. I am sure it doesn't help that I have no sensation in the skin and nipples and that I bump into things and feel it somewhere else, like my chest underneath the expanders, or in my armpit. I am reassured though, by the women who have gone before me, that once the expanders are out and the implants are in, called "The Exchange," everything feels much better.
Trying to be objective, I can say that each week my chest feels better than the week before. I had no pain during the expansion fills, even though a needle was pushed straight through my skin and muscle into the expander below. I felt sore for a couple days after each fill and limited myself from carrying anything over about ten pounds. Ibuprofen helped on those days.
So getting back to my life since my last post has been like this:
my daughters, my mother and I took turns with a stomach flu!!
I started driving again,
I often take one or the other daughter to school, sometimes both,
I started sleeping with them again (not exactly sure how that one happened!),
I work on some art a couple times a week,
I have eased back into yoga (thank-God-thank-God),
I have exercised a few times and hope to establish a low key practice again (I should say low-impact),
I saw my gynecological oncologist for my yearly exam and CA125 blood test,
I saw my breast surgeon, she said she liked how everything looked, took pictures and said I don't have to see her again for six months and then only once a year thereafter,
I am planning my older daughter's 5th birthday,
and I turned 39.
A few days ago I caught a nasty cold and have spent yesterday and today at home by myself. Resting, drinking lots of fluids, and watching television and reading. I am a little nervous about a pink area on one breast. It looks slightly inflamed. I outlined it in green extra-fine sharpie and took a picture so I can track it for a couple days. My plastic surgeon said due to the foreign objects in there, my chest is more vulnerable to infection when the rest of me picks something up. Also, I have been having strange pains in my chest that are different from what I have felt before. I have been much more active lately, so the pains might just be from that. I worry that I over did it with the exercise, so I am getting as much rest in as I can. And, of course, trying not to obsess about it.
Because of the online communities I am a part of, I very frequently hear of yet another young woman diagnosed with breast cancer. Some with the BRCA mutation, some without. I am humbled by my circumstances and so grateful to have been able to make the choices I have made to reduce my risk of cancer.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Amputation
Amputation? I suppose sort of. One doesn't call the removal of a kidney an amputation, right? However, I can not typically feel my kidneys but I could feel my breasts. Now I can not. The skin on my breasts is numb to touch. If I push a little, I can feel that push in the muscle underneath the skin on the upper part of the breast. I have a little pain in my nipples from time to time. I have a circumference of half sensation in the skin around each breast. This must be where the edge of the breast tissue was. The sensation is like the skin wants to be able to feel but it just doesn't have what it takes. It is an irritating ache. I tried wearing an old, stretchy, nursing bra to keep the headlights dimmed but the edges of the bra pressed on these areas and I couldn't stand it. I really hope this is temporary.
I weaned Elizabeth in June. Right up until my surgery, I would occasionally feel the let down sensation in my breasts. Will I have phantom let down?
I weaned Elizabeth in June. Right up until my surgery, I would occasionally feel the let down sensation in my breasts. Will I have phantom let down?
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Infected!
A week ago I came down. Way down. I thought I was just feeling the effects of anesthesia, amputation, foreign objects in the body, my husband's return to work, adrenaline withdrawal, etc.. I was having chills and sleeping all day. I was alternating tylenol and advil (no more percocet for me!!) so I never appeared to develop a fever. And then I saw it: redness surrounding the incision under my right breast. I watched it for a day, and then showed my Mom. Together we decided I should call my doctor. She told me to outline the red area with a sharpie (we used green fine point) so we could keep track of it. Then I sent a picture via cell phone, and a few hours later, my Mom went to pick up a prescription of antibiotics. I started to feel better about 24 hours later. The redness faded slowly, and is now only slightly pinker than my flesh. I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday, and she was very pleased with how everything looks. She also thanked my Mom and me for taking quick action on my infection.
Sewn Love
My dear friend Erin made a few things to help me in my recovery. Heart shaped pillows fit perfectly underneath the arms, cushioning drain sites and keeping arms off the sides of the expanders. Although my drains are gone, the pillows remain in bed with me. They are strangely comforting when tucked up into my armpits.
She also found a design for a variable wrap kind of thing. It is a large rectangular(ish) piece of lightweight jersey with slits in the middle as arm holes. Or neck holes. The picture below does not do it justice. It can be a simple wrap, a poncho, an asymmetrical flowy cover up, a twisted, tied up shirt, and so on. I love it because I can be wearing a camisole with no bra and toss this thing on (all by myself), drape the top part down over my chest, pull up the back and tie around my waist, and voila! I have a very comfortable top on. One that also covers my chest.
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Armpit Pillows
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| Wrap-a-roo-thingy |
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Love My Parents-In-Law
For as long as my girls have been alive, David's parents have played a crucial role in taking care of them. David has always worked very long hours, often with only one day off during the week. For weeks at a time, he might even go to work before they are awake and return home after they are asleep. As my family is in Ohio and West Virginia, and David's parents are only about 35 miles away, they are our closest relatives. Over the years it has helped me tremendously to have them to turn to. We rely on them a lot. They are extremely supportive and helpful. And our girls absolutely adore them. Without them, I would have never had a moment for myself to recuperate from the day to day, 24/7 demands of child-rearing. Ever. Thank you Wil and Betty.
My mom has been here since mid December. She plans to stay with us until mid April, maybe even returning in May, depending on when my "exchange" surgery will be. One week post op, my husband has gone back to work and the full burden of my children falls on my Mom's shoulders. My most recent arrangement with Wil and Betty, pre-surgery, was on Saturdays. David would take the girls to their house, and I would go and pick them up, mid to late afternoon. That involved David taking the car seats out of his car and leaving them for me to put in my car when I pick up the girls. The car seats are HEAVY and a bit tricky to put in. We have a "no grand parent moves the car seats" rule. The last thing we want is for any of our parents to injure themselves. Since I am now unable to move the car seats, the Saturday visit has become longer for Wil and Betty as David now picks the girls up after work, sometimes as late as 8pm, but even more crucial for my Mom's recuperation.
Thank God for Wil, Betty and my Mom, Connie. I know my girls are safe and loved when with you.
My mom has been here since mid December. She plans to stay with us until mid April, maybe even returning in May, depending on when my "exchange" surgery will be. One week post op, my husband has gone back to work and the full burden of my children falls on my Mom's shoulders. My most recent arrangement with Wil and Betty, pre-surgery, was on Saturdays. David would take the girls to their house, and I would go and pick them up, mid to late afternoon. That involved David taking the car seats out of his car and leaving them for me to put in my car when I pick up the girls. The car seats are HEAVY and a bit tricky to put in. We have a "no grand parent moves the car seats" rule. The last thing we want is for any of our parents to injure themselves. Since I am now unable to move the car seats, the Saturday visit has become longer for Wil and Betty as David now picks the girls up after work, sometimes as late as 8pm, but even more crucial for my Mom's recuperation.
Thank God for Wil, Betty and my Mom, Connie. I know my girls are safe and loved when with you.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Carden Family
The parents at my daughter's school have put together a food train for my family and me. Since the day of my surgery, they have been providing us with dinner every day. Their generosity, love and support is phenomenal and I feel truly blessed to be a part of this wonderful group of people. I love you right back, Carden!
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